Burried in Barriers

poetry

Through the cracks in the pavement
I search for green
Flourishing and potent
Like our messy bedroom sheets

Through the spaces between the branches
I feel for falling petals
To kiss my head with delicacy
Smiling as they settle

Through the shapes in the electric towers
I gaze at the setting sun
It’s beams stroking my petulant skin
Like a lover on the run

Through the window of a car
I admire our kind
Solemn smiles exchanged
For a minuscule bind

Through the laughter of a friend
I notice the despair in their speech
Hiding more than self-pride
But a tone of defeat

Through the window cased with raindrops
I see the half lit moon
Admired by billions
But stuck in solitude

Through the rising smoke of my cigarette
I see hollow brown eyes
Slipping into space
As he holds onto his mind

Through the mirror I stare into
I see a desecrated smile
Searching past the framing
Into a heart made for the wild

And through the dreams in my trance
I see no more obscured views
For beauty is seen directly
Without a barrier to look through

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The works of anxiety before bed

perspective

Sitting in the corners of my mind
The eerie crevices where the sunlight never shines
Its difficult to close my eyes
because before I die
I want to know who’s been watching me every night before I go to sleep
With his torture of silence and sinister shadows passing through the only street lamp that lights the back wall of my room.

Waking up with black bags reminding me of the black shadows
The ones that cut corners of my rationality
Leaps over my sanity
And fights off the comfort of reality

If i open and close my eyes three times
And nothing is there, I’ll be fine
Okay maybe three more times,
One more time and I will fall asleep.
This is crazy, I am crazy
Why can’t I take a breathE

Once the light goes out in my bedroom
So does the one in my mind

What time is it?
Three, the devils hour
I feel myself heating up, perspiration forming
I need to stay awake until four, just in case.
I know it’s just a myth..
But just in case.

I’m aware none of this is true
Aware the tremble in my knees is just my imagination smirking at me
Maybe I need pills
Or another puff

This piece of work, the way you read it and it’s format is the workings of my mind under anxiety. It jumps from solution to conclusion to problem to nonsense to explanation all moulded by my irrationality and fear. The only way to understand, is to experience. There is no order, no silence, no moment of peace, no continuity, no control in my thought process when anxiety hits in the solitude of the night. No matter how physically comfortable I may be, there’s an ache of discomfort pulsing in my mind and in my chest, it gets louder and more powerful the deeper I explore. There is no reading over the above post to correct my punctuation or grammar, just as I would never contemplate and rationalize my thoughts and anxieties. I even had to look behind my computer screen as I wrote this, JUST IN CASE. It is nothing but fear, fear of the unknown, a fear that relies solely on the lack of understanding the questions that stay unanswered. Well that’s personally my interpretation of my own anxieties, but again, I am far from understanding the inner workings of my mind. It is crazy what our minds can convince us of.

Child

poetry

You’re a child
Now go play with your blocks
And build yourself an empire structured by your ego
tied with ropes twined of pride
I can even lend you my shame as your shelter
And pave the floors with my humiliation
So that every time you pan your head up or down
You’ll remember why you live in solitude

You’re a child
No doors or windows needed
Because the only company you will ever need
Is a mirror
Resting in front of your pedestal
Make sure you bring a ladder
Because it’s a long way up
And enjoy staring at your crown of ignorance
As you hold your staff of self-pity

You’re a child
So keep laughing
And show everyone your toothless smile
Prove to them that its absence doesn’t hurt
Not even when you pulled it out yourself
Put it under your pillow
But don’t fall asleep,
Because your dreams will be infested with memories of that painful pull

You’re a child
So keep documenting your height on the door frame
But know you’ll never grow
Not in the ways you wish to
And cry when you realize your mind is still narrow
And your wisdom is still limited

But it’s okay
Because you’re a child
With an empty empire
And a plastic crown